Officially separated

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

2 Weeks ago I was still married. Today I'm separated.

Why? My husband has no respect, no loyalty - not even friendship. When I was in my greatest need of friendship he was nowhere to be seen - a true good time boy.

Not only did he decide to make our holiday into a series of drunken binges, he wrote himself off to the point that my Auto cloak of invisibility was activated and remained so for the remainder of our holiday. Once activated, he discovered an entire group of bleached blonde bullies; wearing his might vision goggles, they appeared incredibly attractive, and alas- he was unable to escape their magnetic powers.

During my period of invisibibility, he sleazed his enormous mis-spent heart out, publicly annnouncing his embaresssment when I refused to join his little entourage.

Unfortunately his blonde consorts were serious bullies. When the ring-leader challenged me to an undignified "outside" and slammed me into a glass door, I defended myself with a left block, all hell broke loose and the police were called.

Of course, now it seems (according to my EX; and the blondes) that I'm insane, that he had *only been talking*, and everything else is *in my imagination*.

My salvation was the independent (and unknown) witnessess of my initial protracted humiliation and the unprovoked attack on me; despite the police not deeming it necessary to interview anyone except the complicit group of bullies who initiated the attack and complaint.

Now my next great (unrequested) experiment is to determine if justice really exists. (I suspect NOT)

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Feel totally isolated

I am sitting here vibrating with solitude. It washes through me, this eternal lapping of necessaity, demanding acceptance.

This is really really hard. I'm aching in the back of my neck, and I only have professional colleagues, but not friends, except for the good people ( they know who they are ) on my myspace.

blah

blah blah

Can't speak..

SHIT

wtf is mood? how to put the bloody mood caption on this

NEED HELP

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Art of War

Current mood: lonely
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I have utterly no claim to the words of the exemplary journalist

Edward R. Murrow.

Thus forgive me for reading Murrow in full:

"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty," he said, in 1954.

"We must remember always that accusation is not proof, and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law.

We will not walk in fear - one, of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of un-reason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men;

Not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate, and to defend causes that were - for the moment - unpopular."

And so, good night, and good luck.

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Good then bad

Current mood: numb
Category: Life

A beautiful weekend of spontanaety, and kindness and caring from a new friend.

And to what have I returned? An abusive tirade form a ex-relative. Being informed I am a psycho with no right to have ever requested my husband to stop or calm his drinking. Of course, only a psycho would remain clear headed rather than embarking on a drinking binge.

Back to being alone. Back to having shit put on me by people who don't give a toss. Back to being expected to accept insanity as *reality* and reason as madness.

Is it really possible to be too smart? Is this an insult?

Sydney is a whore, but I'm not sure who the fiddler is, and how many people watch the city burn without lifting a finger. It's not their problem......

Drink to forget.

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Rollercoasters and Junkies- Catharsis

Current mood: drained
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Incoherant ramblings:

Torn between loving someone so much that I feel as if I can't breathe without them, and knowing that they are as destructive as a Cat 5 typhoon, and as self absorbed as a singularity, sucking everything in towards them.

I guess when you know someting is bad but you do it anyway, that means you are an addict on a rollercoaster ride. If the experience is frequently bad, but you can't pull away, that makes you a junkie right? So I'm a junkie for love. Not just any love mind you....but the most destructive romantic love all - ALL OR NOTHING.

I have imbued my lover with the characteristics of a fantasy lover ~ He loves me unconditionally. He thinks me the most beautiful woman in the world. The sexiest, the smartest, the best in bed.....No-one else could ever fill my place for I am magical and breathtaking and special.

WRONG. I'm just one of many. Just another person. A silly woman filling the roles of mother, nurse, teacher and bank manager. Why? Becuase of my stupid sense of responsibility - invested into a a man-shaped hole cut out...hollow man.

I've been advised to keep a diary.

How long have I weathered his cycles and spirals? Since day 4 ( Aug 26 2003). This is the last time I ignore my instincts. I knew right form the start he was too good looking. I knew intuitively I could never relax. Why did I feel sorry for him for having no education/ for his dyslexia,. Because I am a softie with a big heart. I feel for, and with other people.

How long have I been sleeping separately now? Since 26 August 2006. Weird - 13 years exactly. How many days is that? 4748 nights less the nights I was travelling, he was drunk or he was sleeping with someone else.

I slept with Helen in room 6 of the Guthega Pub. Now I sleep alone on the top floor of my house like an enchanted tower princess.

He has been drinking and forgetting forever. His life is about forgetting , mine about remembering. He drinks to forget his guilt, or the pain would be too much for him to bear. He doesn't like remembering the past - I LOVE history and want to learn more every day. Damn this photographic memory - but I wouldnt want it any other way. Clarity is my guiding light.

I love reason and facts. He despises them because facts and reason are strangers to him. He accepts failure quite readily becuse it is his natural state. I challenge failure and defeat it. I will not be defeated.

Each day I will grow stronger - through pain I will grow wiser. I will not become bitter. I will treasure my friends.

I will win my battles.

My Incantation:

By the powers of the East,

Which have ably mastered all adversity,

By the powers of the west,

Where there are no obstacles to my will.

By the powers of the North,

Where luck smiles upon me every day of the year.

By the powers of the South,

Where all my desires are immediately granted!

I seek that my life be free from all negative thoughts.

My close family, my friends, my employers, my employees are happy!

My projects, my hopes, my business, my work is excellent!

My meals, my foods is delicious!

My pleasures, my distractions are healthy and pleasant.

I don't wish to be younger, nor to be older.

I want to benefit ardently from the present hour.

I am full of kindness for the whole world.

I expect nothing in exchange for the love that I give.

I wish that the abundance, strength, confidence,

And attractions born of my reflections, my gestures,

My words, my acts, flood all of my life,

And that everything I touch changes into TREASURE.

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Reconcilliation (That doesnt mean its not over!!)

Current mood: contemplative
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Here is something I painted and wrote in 1995 when I had been with Paul for 18 mths.

I came across a heavily armoured man jousting with a naked woman,
like Knights at a Tournament.

He had the Sun for his head. She the moon.
He was riding a lion, she side-saddle on a black gryffyn,

And they were fighting.

But they both had shields against which the lances struck.
And the beauty of it was
that on her shield was the insignia of the Sun,
And on his that of the moon,

So they were each protected by the principles they opposed.

The background against which they fought was arid desert;
They might have been fighting to make it green again.

Yet ~ one had the feeling that if either defeated the other
it would be a Disaster.

2006 Post Moretem

A high tensile relationship exists between the insecure man and the woman of wisdom.

There is no benefit in defeating another person, especially one that you love/have loved.

Since painting this I have been practising one way reconcilliation, holding the dove of peace in my outstretched hand for more than a decade.

But no more. No-one has been defeated. I have retired gracefully from the game. No more energy to fight.

No winners.

I'm free.

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Good Mourning

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Does the love of a life ever die?. Perhaps, freed, it takes on greater integrity. What i can say is that a great love, if based on great friendship should never die.

Is this what it takes to re-discover a friend?

Each of us is undergoing a period of mourning, because the separation marked the death of any known future. We are doing this so calmly and kindly, yet with considerable yearning and anxiety.

Finallly it has marked a point at which simple honesty has necessitated acceptance.

I still think he's hot - and he still thinks I'm hot. Makes it even more painful.

Agghhh so I love love. Unconditional true pure love. I stand before you, an unabashed idealist and incurable romantic. I believe in destiny. And I'm hoping that's why this has all happened ~ that "Something Better" lies in store for me.

I have been crying at strange times. At a dinner for no reason. Or walking into my office. Or as I drive along. I have irresponsibly spent a lot of money on clothes. And now it is time for me to stop.

He actually seems to be really focused on work - which is a great thing. He seems to be sad. But not in any obvious way. He contains it. I can feel his pain.

So, I'm spending time out; being spontaneous! - spending time with new and old friends who have taken wonderful care of me. Thankyou to my friends.XXX

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Underground Resistance - Transition

Current mood: optimistic
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

There will come a time in your life when you will ask yourself a series of questions.
Am I happy with who I am?
Am I happy with the people around me?
Am I happy with what I'm doing?
Am I happy with the way my life is going?
Do I have a life or am I just living?
Do not let these questions strain or trouble you just point youself in the direction of your dreams find your strengh in the sound and make your transition.

Do not spend to much time thinking and not enough doing.
Did I try the hardest at any of my dreams?
Did I purposly let others discourage me when I knew I could?
Will I die never knowing what I could have been or could of done?
Do not let these doubts restrain of trouble you just point yourself in the direction of your dreams.
Find your strength in the sound and make your transition.

There will be people who say you can't - you will.
There will be people who say you dont mix this with that and you will say "watch me".
There will be people who will say play it safe, thats to risky - you will take that chance and have no fear.
You wont let these questions restrain or trouble you.
You will point yourself in the direction of your dreams.
You will find the sreangth in the sound and make your transition.

For those who know its time to leave the house and go back to the field.
Find your strength in the sound and make your transition.

--The Unknown Writer
(Underground Resistance - Transition)

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(

a small space in time

Current mood:myspace is so emotionally lame
Category: Life

here is a truth;

i don't know anything any more

i used to know most things

i've known what i don't know for a long time

at least i thought

untill i didn't know anything anymore

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The year of Dumbing Down - Men of League Eye Candy

Current mood: boredCategory: Sports

Apparently there is a game called Rugby League.
How do I know this? Because someone has recently sent me photographic evidence.
Now I make no apologies for the fact that I prefer more intelligent games ~ that being said, I have never been one to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
All Sports have their time and place, and thus it is that I have come to establish my newest Blog topic.
Sorry, did I say that I had come?
A freudian Slip I'm sure.
Now I have never been a proponent of Pornography, however my friends have recently taught me (leading by example) that there is nothing wrong with a bit of eye candy.
Another friends has advised me that 2006/2007 is the year of dumbing down.
Q1 of YR1 commenced on the 26th August. And by WK 7 of Q1 I have come to accept that yes, this the year of "DD"...and by "DD" I mean Dumbing Down.
I believe I may be happy to "DD" for the purposes of this blog and the immense pleasure I will provide to many - if not for voyeuristic happiness, then for sheer parody.
Have fun leaving your comments.
And if there are any leaguies out there, I NEVER SAID YOUR GAME WAS PLAYED BY DUMBIES.

29 Comments

Car Advert Wars: or which car do you want sex in?

Current mood: mischievous
Category: Automotive

This blog is a thinly veiled ploy to talk about sex.

A truth:

Four major car brands have wasted LOTS OF money and, (dare i say) creativity, to wage a huge splashy advertising war.

Saving grace? The liberal dose of humour thrown in.

So whose minds and hearts did these giants Car Brands win? And why?

OK: So here are the Ads - and afterwards I want to know which car you want to have sex in , and why.

My Car fantasies

Of course Audi is nice, but so bloody reserved, and who doesn't have a BMW (YAWN - So 80's, Ray Bans, Eurythmics) I'm definately not getting wet over these two.

Subaru - haha Are you joking?

I rather love Bentley's attitude, but I don't want sex in the Bentley. That would be like having sex with the Queen, and I'm no poof. Not sure if the Bentley pin up boy is my type either.....

My vote is totally with Aston Martin who rejected me yesterday. (well Australia said yes, but HK said no.) I still love you Aston - I will always be Ursula, and there will always be a too handsome James Bond type with a sleek black car in my handbag.

And how can I ever forget an E Type Jag - I wish i had lost my virginity in it, but it's owner was avery old man, and *Anna Nicole* I'm not.....My dream car, the F Type concept car never got off the ground after three years of living on my fridge. How DARE U JAG!!!!! I could get wet over this car - but never got the opportunity....Double Damn ~ BTW i secretly loathe all JAG saloon cars ( hiss hisss)

And I guess though i may never own one, in my current wildly romantic and wet dream a proud and noble Ferrari is likely to provide me with a long and spirited ride - if its the gorgeous italian engineer who tunes the beast, then YES PLEASE.

19 Comments

Comparative Personality Profile - Am I actually a Female/Human?

Current mood: chipper
Category: Quiz/Survey

God, I'm not very feminine am I? Am I even human? Read and decide for yourself.... Excerpt from Personality Profile----------------->: Knowing how you compare to the average person can give you insight into which parts of your personality stand out when you interact with other people. How Sharon compares to the average person Here is a graphical description of how Sharon compares to the average male and female in each of the eight personality areas. In the case of personality measurement, it is important to remember that 'average' does not mean 'good' or 'bad', or even 'normal', it simply tells you the 'most common' score. You can consider the areas in which you deviate most from the average to be the areas of your personality that stand out the most when you interact with other people. These areas are the guiding parts of your character. EXTROVERSION Average Male Average Female Your Score You are similar to most females in your extroversion level. Like you, most females are outgoing and social, but also appreciate having some quiet time on their own. The average male and the average female differ slightly in their extroversion level. The average male tends to be less extroverted than the average female is. {My comment: Ok I'm normal so far.....} EMOTIONALITY Average Male Average Female Your Score You are more relaxed and calm than the average female and male are when it comes to stress and feeling intense emotions. The average female and male are more reactive to their feelings and mood swings than you are. Your balanced way of dealing with emotions is a guiding part of your personality The average male and female are similar in their level of emotionality. Women, however, tend to talk about their feelings and emotions more than men do. Starting in early childhood, girls are encouraged to express their feelings more than boys are. THOROUGHNESS Average Male Average Female Your Score You are more organized and focused than most females and males are. This part of your personality stands out when you interact with other people. It is a guiding part of your personality OPENNESS Average Male Average Female Your Score You are more adventurous than most females are. Most females like to stick to the patterns and things they know. This is an area where your personality stands out when compared to other females. Because other people tend to be more afraid of change and novelty, you are seen as an explorer and breath of fresh air in comparison. This is a guiding part of your personality The average male and female are similar in their openness need. They appreciate some change every once in a while, but for the most part prefer routines. AGREEABLENESS Average Male Average Female Your Score You are more strong-willed than most females are. Most females are fairly careful about the feelings and opinions of other people. You are also careful, but to a lesser extent. You're not afraid to say what you think or stand up for your desires. This is one of the guiding parts of your personality Males and females differ slightly in their levels of agreeableness. The average female is more agreeable than the average male is. Your thinking mode preferences and the average SENSING VRS INTUITING Average Male Average Female Your Score You follow a brain path that is different from the one most females follow. Most females are more interested in the connections between the facts than in the facts themselves. In this way, your style of thinking and being attracted to information is more like that of the average male. You are interested in the information that is in the 'here and now' rather than the information that can be inferred or speculated on. This is a guiding part of your personality THINKING VRS FEELING Average Male Average Female Your Score You make decisions in a way that is similar to the way that most females make decisions, but you are more balanced than both most males and females in your decision making process. Most females follow their gut instinct or heart when making decisions, even if it may seem slightly illogical to do so. Males are an interesting case when it comes to thinking vs. feeling: 50 percent of males are 'thinkers', making decisions based mostly on logic, while the other 50 percent are extreme 'feelers' making decisions based fully on their heart. JUDGING VRS PERCEIVING Average Male Average Female Your Score The average female and male feel most comfortable in an environment that is semi-structured and stable. They enjoy finishing a project more than they enjoy beginning a project. You are somewhat different in this regard: you like the excitement of open-ended possibilities. This is a guiding part of your personality

See? I'm not normal

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